All three of these are Post-Not Fade Away. Simply because I just watched it and am devastated. So, spoilers for the Angel finale. First one is based on Lorne. Second is a Wesley stream of consciousness. Third is about Angel.
His shoes are dusty and he finds it very strange that he doesn't seem to care. Everything feels empty, even as the street beneath his feet rumbles quietly. He knows it isn't empty; far from it. Everything is alive. Everything is being spewed into the streets and he almost hopes something kills him. Being dead would be simple now. Simpler than trying to live, he imagines.
It's funny that putting bullets into a man's chest isn't as easy as it's always appeared. Even if he was evil. Even if he did try to kill the champion. All he really feels now is empty. Everything is rumbling and he goes on feeling empty. It's stange that the end of the world feels like just that.
Like the end of the world.
all my tomorrows and all my yesterdays mashed into one, tumbling toward something that's not quite right and i can't stand it anymore because it hurts and there's pain and isn't the pain supposed to stop when you die? oh, god, isn't the pain supposed to go away? sometimes she's here and sometimes she's not and i can't tell the difference between the real her and the demon inside. and there are song lyrics in my head, humming, whispering, whistling in my ear
i find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad
and all i want is home and quiet. peace. her. all i want is her and i'm stumbling in and she's there. she's there.
Suddenly the City of Angels is the City of Demons and he wants nothing more than that dragon. It's adrenaline and it's the rush. It's the fight he wants (or maybe he needs it, craves it). The clash and clang of sword on sword, howling fills his head and he finds himself smiling. He's smiling because this is not the end. It can't be. It never ends like this. He doesn't truly believe that.
He signed it all away. The humanity, but it's not the humanity that he's fighting for. Not his, at least. He's fighting for their humanity. For Gunn's and Spike's and even Illyria's in a stange way. He's fighting for Lorne to have a chance, for Lindsey, even though he knows Lindsey is gone. Mostly he's fighting for Wesley, for Fred, for Cordelia and Doyle.
And as the demons converge on them, as the City of Angels turns into hell on earth, he keeps fighting. And he still smiles.